Asking for What We Need
How often do you ask for what we need?
Throughout my adult life, I’ve had a complicated relationship with self promotion. Somewhere along the way I learned to prioritize others and to be dismissive of my own needs. And I get the feeling I’m not alone.
Neglecting to advocate for yourself can create undesirable results: low self-esteem, chronic self-doubt, shame, and an overall emotional imbalance. And the impact isn’t always obvious.
Consider this example:
Darla is an outgoing twenty-something year old with a solid professional job and a fulfilling social life. Her family, friends, and co-workers describe her as friendly, supportive, bright, and energetic. She’s always willing to offer her time to help others when in need.
What Darla’s closest friends and peers don’t see the 15 times she questioned herself within the last 30 minutes. Or how she distracts from her feelings of inadequacy by focusing on others. Or how she places far more weight on how other people judge her than she does her own opinion.
It’s not always obvious when someone is struggling to act on their own behalf. Many people—particularly women—have learned to effectively hide this “secret.” So what can be done to recognize and eventually shift this pattern within ourselves?
Consider how the following could play out in your life:
Spend time creating or renewing a relationship with yourself. This is critical for me. It allows me time to check in with myself, process my emotions, and prioritize the most important relationship I will ever have (the one with myself).
Remember that your wants are important. How can you help others when you are not aligned with yourself? The airplane illustration works well for me: Put your oxygen mask on before you help anyone else. Addressing your own goals and dreams is not an act of selfishness…it’s an act of self-respect.
Replace self-criticism with self-empathy. My inner voice can be simply nasty. She drones on and on about how I could have done something better and points out how everyone is smarter, prettier, and more capable than me. Instead, what would it be like if you practiced kindness, forgiveness, and patience with yourself? You may see that when you extend yourself these graces that you naturally become kinder to others as a result.
Share your passions, dreams, and goals with your others. Excitement is contagious! Why keep all of your ideas to yourself? Instead, share what gets you up in the morning. Not only will you create momentum when sharing, you may also encourage others to act on their dreams.
Asks & Gives. Asking for help can be difficult for me. To help soften this, I like to balance the ask by giving. If I ask for help from someone, I make sure to offer someone else my time, knowledge, or talent of a similar degree. This makes me feel balanced and like I’m giving back instead of only taking.
You know yourself better than anyone else. Don’t let other people’s beliefs replace your insight and intuition.
Sometimes the only closure you need is the understanding that you deserve better.
- Trent Shelton
Here are some resources for consideration:
