Asking for What We Need
Throughout my adult life, I’ve wrestled with the art of self-promotion. Somewhere along the way, I learned to prioritize others and dismiss my own needs—a pattern I suspect many can relate to.
Neglecting to advocate for yourself often leads to undesirable outcomes: low self-esteem, chronic self-doubt, shame, and an overall sense of imbalance. What’s tricky is that these effects aren’t always obvious.
Take this example:
Darla is a lively twenty-something with a steady professional job and an active social life. Her family, friends, and coworkers describe her as friendly, supportive, bright, and full of energy. She’s always ready to lend a hand when someone’s in need.
But what her closest friends and peers don’t see are the 15 times she questioned herself in the last 30 minutes. They don’t see how she distracts herself from feelings of inadequacy by focusing on others. Nor do they realize how much more weight she places on others' opinions of her than her own.
It’s not always easy to spot someone struggling to act in their own best interest. Many people—especially women—become adept at hiding this “secret.” So, how can we recognize and eventually shift this pattern within ourselves?
Here are a few practices that might help:
1. Build or Renew a Relationship with Yourself
This has been a game-changer for me. Taking time to check in with myself, process my emotions, and prioritize my inner relationship is essential. After all, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself.
2. Recognize That Your Wants Are Important
How can you help others if you’re not aligned with yourself? The “airplane oxygen mask” analogy works perfectly here: You must secure your own mask before assisting others. Pursuing your goals and dreams isn’t selfish—it’s an act of self-respect.
3. Replace Self-Criticism with Self-Empathy
My inner voice can be brutal, constantly pointing out how I could’ve done better or how others are smarter, prettier, or more capable than me. What if we practiced kindness, forgiveness, and patience with ourselves instead? Extending grace to yourself often makes you naturally kinder to others, too.
4. Share Your Passions and Dreams with Others
Excitement is contagious! Why keep your ideas and aspirations to yourself? Sharing what inspires you can create momentum and encourage others to act on their dreams as well.
5. Balance Asks with Gives
Asking for help has never been easy for me, so I balance it by giving back. If I ask someone for help, I make an effort to offer my time, knowledge, or talent to someone else in return. This keeps me feeling balanced and ensures I’m contributing as well as receiving.
You know yourself better than anyone else. Don’t let others’ beliefs overshadow your insight and intuition.
Sometimes the only closure you need is the understanding that you deserve better.
- Trent Shelton
Here are some resources for consideration:
